I survived

When I was pregnant I read a memoir that started with a woman's pregnancy and ended at her son's first birthday. The book spoke of that time period, pregnancy to the first year, as one era, more specifically one huge transition. Overtime I have found that resonates with me. In three days Margot will turn one. I can say all of the cliche's feel very true right now. I can't believe how fast the year has gone by. I am amazed by how much Margot has changed. Here she is at 2 days old and again last weekend playing with dinosaurs at laughing planet.

But the things that strike me most about this year is how much I have changed. I don't think anything in my life as been as life changing as motherhood.

I am a particularly selfish person. I want what I want when I want it. And to be frank I'm pretty good at getting what I want. You can just imagine how fun I must have been to parent. But today what I want has fallen so far down the list of priorities. Not that I don't still think it--I do. Today I am having my photo taken for the newspaper and this morning I wanted to get up and spend time choosing my outfit, accessories and doing my hair and makeup. What happened...??? Margot woke up early and would not let me put her down and I threw on the first thing I found that passed for photos and didn't do my hair the way I wanted. This is just one of so many examples that all come back to one thing, Margot's needs come first and that's okay. My capacity to get over myself, let go of my wants and just be content doing whatever needs done shocks me. I know it comes from the grace of God and for all the love I have for Margot. And who knew I could be so patient?! Patience has never been a strength of mine. A friend once told me never to pray for patience because God will answer your prayer by testing your patience to the limit. Well, somewhere around the time I had Margot I must have prayed for patience....Yet I am amazed at how patient I am today.

I survived!!! Seriously this is how I feel about this year. I feel like I'm just now emerging from this crazy fog that was pregnancy (ugh), crazy postpartum time, nursing hell, never ever sleeping, more nursing hell, returning to work and my life becoming so crazy I can barely function, teething, sleep training, sickness, never ever sleeping, and some more not sleeping...you get the picture. But today I feel somewhat on top of things. I have the energy to plan an over the top birthday party and a holiday cocktail party, I occasionally read books, and I enjoy my husband and baby. Sure our life is still on the crazy side. We work too much and have too little time to do everything. But I am starting to feel like me again (or a new much more mature, responsible and patient me).

I love being a Mom. Really I love it. And I think I just realized this. I've been so focused on nursing and lack of sleep and this and that and every little detail of everything. But now that I'm stepping back and I realize that I love this. I love getting home with Margot and just playing with her until bed time. I love reading her books, and taking her to the grocery store and singing her silly songs. I love how she smiles at me and hugs me so tight at the end of the day. I love picking out her little outfits and making her a tepee to play in. It's just so fun to have this sweet funny little person to hang out with.

Sometimes I feel a little (okay, really) sappy about how big and grown up my baby is. But mostly I just feel really grateful that we are at this place. I am excited to celebrate on Saturday. We will be celebrating Margot and how amazing she is but we will also celebrating the fact that Chris and I survived year one.