How my birth will not go

*Note: this will be one of those pregnancy posts where the naive mother to be muses about how perfect her experiences will be. For all of you mothers post delivery please just let me enjoy me dreams and don't dash them--thanks:)

Last night we watched the episode of the office where Pam and Jim have their baby. I was really excited for this episode--literally I squealed when I saw it was next on the disc. However, I found watching this episode to be very stressful. And at 3am when I was awake not sleeping freaking out about all the things that could go wrong with my birth I compiled the following list of things that will not happen in my birth.

1. If I am having contractions at work and attempting to work through early labor at my desk I will not tell my co-workers.

2. I will be heading to the hospital during the 5-7 minute stage and definitely if my water breaks.

3. My water will not break at work because that is just not cool

4. There will be no Michael Scott driving us to the hospital (luckily we don't know any Michael Scott's)

5. Nobody will break the windows into our house and then demolish our beautiful kitchen while I am giving birth

6. We will have a really nice nurse who will not look at us like idiots when we request to keep our baby in our room and she certainly would never suggest giving him/her a bottle of formula

7. The lactation consultant will all be women. No strange man is looking or touching my breasts PERIOD

8. We will have our own room

9. When we leave some member of our family will have the car seat already properly installed in the car which is waiting by the hospital entrance

10. We will come home to a nice, clean, orderly, empty house--there will be no Dwight and as previously stated our lovely kitchen will be intact